Why, Why, Why

Why is a question one will ask him or her self over and over again when engaged with a narcissist. Why did I get involved? Why didn’t I leave when I discovered he/she was a narc? Why do I take the abuse? Not one of us will answer those questions the same. He asks: “Why did you let yourself go like you have?” “Why are you so stupid?” “Why do you lie all the time?” I get so tired of the negativity. Even if the question isn’t why it’s “you never…” “you always…” I get so tired of these generalities.

All I hear is “My dad said…”. I have never heard a grown man depend on his dad’s opinions like my narc. I also don’t believe his dad says everything the narc says he says either. His opinions of me he says comes from his dad. His dad says they don’t. So I feel caught. However, I’ve caught my narc in so many falsehoods I believe his dad when he says these are not his words. When I am writing, he always finds things for me to do to interrupt me. I do a lot of research on my phone and put notes on my phone when I think of clever things and he resents when he doesnt have my full attention.

I’m sick and tired of being compared to the women in his past. I dont care how thin they were or how he could pick them up, put them against the wall and fuck them because they were so small. I don’t care how many attractive partners he’s had. I’m the type person who will put up with this until one day the straw breaks the camel’s back and I go nuts, pack up and just go.

He tells me everytime I do something that makes him mad that he can replace me in a heartbeat cause he’s still attractive enough to get somebody better than me. Then he wonders why I’m depressed, angry, anxious, and an insomniac. He tells me I’m incapable of going to the doctor by myself because I don’t tell them everything (not true). The doctors find him obnoxious and very uneducated about my health matters and he lies about it too. He has to control every aspect of my life knowing who called or messaged me. Where I’m going and how long I’ll be gone. Yet he’ll go to the casino and not communicate with me for hours.

My friends and family cannot understand how I let this go on because I’ve never been like this before. I have a temper and holding in the anger and hurt that I feel most of the time is killing me. I wait daily for the discard and even though he says he loves me, I feel as if he met a thinner, prettier woman he’d cheat on me and leave me in a heartbeat. Living with this knowledge daily is killing me.

He doesnt hold his anger in, he yells at me daily and if I don’t answer him immediately he says: “Hello…..”. Which makes me furious if I’m thinking about how I want to answer. I’ve learned to choose my words carefully. Then he will say something like: ” Did you get hold of that girl about that situation?” If I ask “what situation?” He will scream: “duh! What do you think I’m talking about?” And make a stupid face at me. He also says things such as how organized he is when that isn’t true at all. He shouts orders at me all day long ie: ” Cook me some soup, find a pair of black socks, my silk shirt, scrub the toilet, you dont like to clean do you?” I clean all the recycling, do the cooking, cleaning, but it’s never good enough. Now my questions are beginning to be “why”. Why do I allow myself to be treated like this? Why do I give him the power to take away my joy? Why….?