Will It Ever Be Me?

When I was married to my first narc, I should have walked away right away before it came to matrimony. A lot of the abuse was at the beginning but I was VERY attracted to him. He was a very good looking man and a great lover. But like most narcs he had two addictions. Drinking and women.

When he married his first wife he told me it was only because she was pregnant. He said she was a terrible mother, she ran around all day eating pizza and drinking Coke and let herself get fat. He said she smelled, wouldn’t keep house, and when he got home she had nothing ready for him to eat. Now I dont know how much of this was true.

I do know that he was a verbally abusive drunk and could cut with words worse than with a knife because he left my soul open and bleeding several times. He ran around on her and didnt go home for days, staying with other women. Yet when she filed for divorce he fought it.

His second wife owned a bar and were fuck soul mates. 3-4 times a day but she drank too and gave him a run for his money. He had a certain sexual type and loved women who squirted during orgasms which I guess she did but they fought a lot. She sliced the tires on his company truck. Chased him naked through a cemetery with a butcher knife. And threw him off the bed head first into an aquarium shattering it. He hated her kids and didnt even know she had divorced him until he read it in the paper.

When we met he was with a woman but he said not having sex with her. He had his own place that he went to at night but stayed at her house while she was at work because it was in the country and quiet. He would leave before she got home because he said she made him sick eating Polish Danish for dinner instead of a meal and letting herself go. He had an aversion to chunky women. He disliked going to buffets because he said he couldn’t stand watching “all those fat ass women stuffing their faces.”

He said that there was a chunky woman he bowled with who lost over 100 pounds just so he’d “fuck her”. I’m a larger woman so why he made a move on me I dont know but he made my life hell threatening me the entire 22 years I was with him to leave because I was a fat ass!

It seems that I am never the love of anyone’s life. I’ve never been special to anybody for anything. I’m just the empath who automatically knows what the men in my life needs emotionally and I provide it. The person I’m with now told me today that if anything happened to me that he didnt think he could touch another woman for a long time. But I’ve been lied to so many times I dont trust anybody anymore. When will it be me? When will it be my turn to be adored and not lied to? I wonder if at my age it will ever happen. When my husband the narc refused to go to the doctor, leave the house, shave, or shower and I couldn’t get him to do anything, I had to leave. Three months after our divorce was final (we had been married 20 years). He died alone in the house we had shared. I felt terrible but his suffering was over. As mean as he was to me I had done as much as I could for him.

I know exactly what made him a narc. His parents fought constantly. He was the oldest and his father hated him. His father was an alcoholic and it came to the point where he was estranged from his father completely. His father beat him and he moved out when he was 15. He blamed his mother for not protecting him. All I can do is hope that before I die I can be somebody’s perfect somebody. Love and light.

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I am a published author on dementia and a survivor of narcissistic abuse. This site is designed to help you identify narcissists and their trademarks and the pitfalls to avoid.

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