Eek! There's A Narcissist In My Garden

Dear Narcissist,

I don’t understand how when you say you “love me”, that you can treat me like you do. One minute helping me walk in the snow and the next yelling at me to take the dog out or get rid of him. So I take him out, fall and fracture my tailbone and smack my head.

I’ve worked all day and yet I am expected to do everything. You are constantly on me about weight causing my self esteem to plummet. I have to color my hair the color you want even though I hate it. You pick out my clothes.

Sometimes I work 14 hour days and come home to cook, clean, and do the recycle when you’ve sat here all day. You criticize my driving and tell me I’m getting dementia. You put my family down and criticize them. Even though I bring home the bacon I can’t spend a penny without your permission because you might need it for the casino.

I can’t think for myself and my mind is so full of trying not to forget anything that I inevitability do. Im wound tight as a clock. If I’m ten minutes late getting home from work you cuss me out for not calling. Is it concern or control? You say how close your family is but I’ve never heard an “I love you” nor seen a hug.

I used to be self confident, be daring, and feel smart. Now I feel beat down, fat, and not so smart. I’m tired of you hiding my things and trying to make me feel crazy. If you are a normal person reading this I’m sure you’re wondering why the victim doesn’t just leave. Well, its complicated. I seem to draw narcs and they all seem to be fine until you’re hooked. Then it’s all but impossible to leave. I have no money to move back to the state I moved from. I can’t seem to save anything because it takes every penny I make to live. If you are in a relationship that doesn’t seem right it probably isn’t. Get out before you drown. Love and light.

• Don’t tell me what to do.
• Don’t tell me lies that I know aren’t true (gaslight me). I didn’t run a car off the road into someone’s yard where he hit a pole.
• Don’t tell people im forgetful or confused. I’m not!
• Don’t make me question my own judgment when I know it’s sound and right.
• Don’t tell me things about my profession you know nothing about!
• Don’t take money out of my account without asking causing me to be short on my bills.
• Don’t make up stories about me to my family and yours making me look shady.
• Don’t judge me by my past. You’ve made worse mistakes than me but you won’t admit yours. It’s always somebody else’s fault. You didnt know me then or all the things I had to overcome!
• Dont try to stir up trouble with my family to isolate me!
• Do what I like once in awhile!
• Dont ask me all the time what I’m doing when im on my phone!
• Don’t go through my personal belongings!
• Don’t leave the apartment when your ex-girlfriend calls. I allow you to talk to her but it’s disrespectful to me when you talk to her in private. You’ve already locked your phone. You say its so your phone doesn’t do weird things in your pocket but you keep your hand over it when you unlock it and I’m around. Hmmmmmm
• Do the dishes once in awhile. I do all the cooking.
• When I cook, don’t criticize!
• Keep your shitty thoughts to yourself. You piss me off all the time but I keep my comments to myself.
• When I’m on the phone, quit telling me what to say!
• Stop calling me a liar! I don’t lie but you do all the time to get your way and as to why you have to talk to your ex-girlfriend alone.
• You’ve only met my family a few times so stop making making assumptions and negative comments about them. Especially my mother!
• Stop makung comments about my anatomy such as I have ugly toenails.
• Stop comparung me to past girlfriends!
• Stop calling it “whining” when i say something hurts or that I’m broke. I had plenty of money until I met you!
• Don’t tell me we dont have the money to do something yet you always find money to gamble!
• Don’t get loud with me over nothing!
• Don’t tell me what to do with my belongings. I dont keep piles of pictures of naked women in storage boxes taking up space. Mine is sentimental.
• Stop telling me to go to the gym. If you don’t like heavy women, don’t date them then try to bully them into getting thin. It Never works!
• Don’t pick my clothes out for me. I know what I feel comfortable wearing!
• Don’t make comments about my life before “us”. You only know what I’ve shared with you not the whys or wherefores. Don’t speculate. There’s reasons for everything! Love and light friends.

I have already talked about gaslighting but it’s worth hitting on again. To me, it is the worst aspect of narcissism. From the very beginning when a boy pulls a girls hair or punches her and makes her cry. She’s told “that means he likes you and that’s the only way he knows how to show it.” Instead of “he should be taught to show his affection the right way.” So she grows up believing that crap.

So the little girl grows up thinking she can make it stop by trying harder. She learns to doubt her own judgment. She becomes bait for a narcissist. Sometimes a narcissist plays many at a time and feeds them all lies using them against one another.

All liars are manipulators that the abuser wants to control. He will tell friends and therapists that she drinks, makes crazy accusations, is insanely jealous, when the reality is that he is the one doing these things.

The gaslighter fatigues the victim until they create insecurity. They do this by constant lies and exaggerations. They also keep the victim on the defense. Gaslighting is mental abuse. I have felt as if I’m going crazy many times. I am still trying to figure out how someone gets pleasure out of this. My gaslighter has caused severe self-esteem issues in me.

When you are constantly put down, you feel as if you can’t do anything right. Example: you are told the house is a mess so you begin to clean. He then begins to yell because the game is on and your cleaning is a distraction. No matter what you do it’s wrong. You cook but it’s wrong. “My mom didn’t make it that way!”

I hear:

• “All you do is whine!” Just because you said you hurt because you have arthritis. Every time you make a comment you’re “whining”. Yet he sits there watching a game cursing at the TV.
• “You’re making that up!
• “You imagined that!”
• “That never happened!
• “You don’t remember things clearly!” He swore that a map of the hospital came with directions of where I was going but it was written directions only.
• “There you go again! You’re so ungrateful!” This could be used against me about any comment I make.
• I am shamed into going to the gym. “You’d be slimmer and hurt less if you’d go to the gym more. I guess you don’t care how flabby you look!”
• Somedays I want to run away to somewhere nobody knows me and start over but I’m too old to do that.
• If you see any of these signs, before you go further into a relationship, dig into his background and talk to exes if you can. Get out before you get too far in. Love and light.

Today we will talk about how dual diagnosis in narcissism and how theycompound the problem.

1. Borderline Personality Disorder. This is an instability in mood which causes a narc to become even more unstable in his or her rages. It causes problems in work relationships as well as personal relationships and personal identity. It is a borderline of psychosis and neuroses and is a combination of environmental and genetic factors.

A. Examples are: Spending too much money on a whim, unsafe sex practices, binge eating, and substance abuse. A narc already has these issues and when borderline personality disorder is thrown in the mix it is 100 times magnified.

2. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD is another factor. We hear this a lot and we think of soldiers when we hear it but there are many causes for it. Sexual trauma, physical or mental abuse, causes detachment from others. Narcs already have this and treat people as objects. Flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares regarding the trauma, insomnia, irritability, anger and self medicating are already traits of a narc and this diagnosis makes it worse.

3. Anxiety Disorder causes restlessness, indecisiveness, fretting about the anxiety, mental stress, migraines, memory loss, and irrational fears whic are already traits of narcs.

4. Depression is sadness, hopelessness, negativity, worthlessness, never feeling good as the victims they choose, sleep problems, fatigue, problems concentrating. Narcs already have these tendencies and often enjoy sadism and taunting their victims to make themselves feel better about themselves. This can, if left untreated, lead to stalking and homicide.

5. Bi-Polar is mood swings which a narc already has causing his or her rages to be out of control and can lead to homicide. It can cause euphoric highs where they will go on extravagant shopping sprees which narcs already do. Rapid thoughts where they can’t get one project done before on to another. Easily agitated or angered which are already narc traits. Increased physical activity and erratic driving. Compulsive sex with strangers or hookers. Decreased need for sleep. Sadness, self gratification which if we know a narc we already know is a problem. Withdrawal from partner or other family.

Anyone who has been or is in a relationship with a narc already knows all of these problems well. Many will argue that a narc is not born a narc but rather made. I say that it is a mental illness like one of those above that is not caught and treated early on and poor parenting and lack of trestment by a professional in the early years instills it in them.

Once the narcissism has taken hold its very difficult to remove it in the teens and early adulthood. Parents who let kids be brats and never give discipline, those who spoil kids and give them everything, and parents who abuse their kids are all parents creating narcissists. Be a parent not a friend. Peace and light.

As I have said before, narcs and sociopaths are just about one and the same. In the website 10 FAQ by James Roberts, both have: 1. Lack of remorse. 2. Artificial charm. 3. Liars. 4. Very intelligent. 5. Manipulative. 6. Have unreasonable expectations. 7. No long relationships. 8. Spontaneous. 9. Lack of love or fake love. 10. Highly competitive.

Neither narc nor sociopath have remorse for anything they say or do. They will call you fat, stupid, or anything else that crosses his or her mind then want to make love 5 minutes later. Acting as if nothing happened.

They have artificial charm that they turn on at the beginning to draw you in and once you’re hooked they show their true colors.

They are also very intelligent and know how to set their traps and hook their prey. Once hooked, they know how to hold onto them.

They are liars and they lie so much that they believe their own lies. Even things that don’t have to be lied about they lie about. They will do it right in front of you knowing that you know it is a lie. Why? Because they know you won’t call them out on it because you don’t want to hear the rage that comes with it.

Both are manipulative and will manipulate the situation or person until they get their way. If they don’t have control, they aren’t happy. They control the conversation, situation, and you.

They both have unreasonable expectations. Example: one works all day while the other stays home. Yet, the one who stays home expects the one who works to do the housework, recycle, laundry, etc. He smells the recycle and if it has the faintest smell he makes her rewash it.

Most have not had a relationship of over 5 years but there are exceptions to the rule especially if children are in the mix.

Both can be too spontaneous causing a financial crisis. Either expensive vacations or impulsive buying.

Because you have to love yourself to love others, both have a lack of love or fake love for others.

He or she is highly competitive over the smallest of things. From games, to drinking, to keeping up with the Jones’s.

They both exploit others for personal gain. Example: they may date someone of the opposite sex that he or she isn’t attracted to just for material gain.

Both will constantly correct others coming off as a know it all and a conversation hogger. They don’t follow etiquette rules. Or any rules for that matter.

Both are nervous, anxious, agitated and prone to anger and rages. Their #1 question is “What can you do for me?” They love to play the blame game. Everything is someone else’s fault. Before you get into a relationship with a narcopath know what you’re getting into. Love and light.

When dealing with narcs the game of the hour is blame. Mine blamed me for having to quit his job to take care of me after double foot surgery but he told everybody else it was because of stomach issues that caused uncontrollable diarreah. Once again I was to blame.

He blames me for falling in love too easily and i should have left both marriages before I did. He only knows about my marriages what I choose to tell him. But since he knows everything, he blames me for staying too long in each.

He blames me for not knowing something he’s been sitting and thinking about. Then he comes out with something and I don’t know what he’s talking about, I’m stupid and get yelled at and called retarded. The narc blame shifts to get you to react so they can rage about something.

Don’t feed into it! Walk away! The more you try to argue back, the more you fuel the rage. My experience is that all narcs are psychopaths. You feel on edge around them. Even if they’re your parents or children. They sabotage your self esteem and laugh about it and blame you for it.

He or she compares you to others in their lives and when things are good they tell you. When things are bad, they blame you. They lie and blame you for having to. You are always snooping to find the truth. Looking through phones, purses, wallets and if they catch you, they blame you because “you’re jealous.” But you have good reason to snoop.

They blame you for feelings that he or she provokes. They dwell on your mistakes but somebody else, usually you for theirs. There are a lot of crazy people and “losers” in his or her life. Everybody is a “loser”. They frequently comment on how you look and blame you if it doesn’t suit them.

He or she denies their manipulative behavior and will deny it and blame someone else if brought up. They expect you to read their minds. Mine tells me I can work extra hours. Then when I do he says: “Well I wanted to go out of town you should have asked me.” So I cancel the shift and we go nowhere. Again, I’m to blame.

After a relationship with a narc or a psychopath you will feel depressed, insane, drained, and your life will be in tatters. I have a close family member who is a narc and mentally ill but denies it. I raised her and her diagnosis is bipolar. Everything is my fault.

I was accused of drugging her instead of calling her out on her bullshit. Not true. She took an antidepressant. She told me for years she couldn’t get pregnant. Now that she is, she said she never said that and she was just on birth control for 20 years. So once again I’m a whipping boy. Love and light friends.

This is the proverbial “I say I love you but actions speak louder than words.” My narc and I recently went on a 6 hour trip. He knows that I don’t care for Michael Jackson or for that matter most black music. Im not racist, I just don’t like the yowling and Michael’s stupid little noises and faces and grabbing his crotch. I don’t like white singers who rap or howl either.

That’s just my opinion and you’re free to have yours. Anyway, my narc knows all this yet he puts in a Michael Jackson CD and plays a particular song that I dislike about 10 times. For the next 30 miles he proceeds to play the entire CD over and over. He then puts on Al Green who screamed and yowled until I thought I was going to lose it.

Now he also had ABBA whom I adore and the Beatles but he only played crap that made my anxiety level sky high! He kept looking at me to see if I looked peeved. So I thought if I tried not to he would stop offending my ears. Eventually he did.

We then had to eat where he wanted even after he asked me where I wanted to eat. He asked where I wanted to stay then drove to where he wanted to stay. Anything to put me in my place and let me know my opinion doesn’t matter is what he does.

If I want to watch something on TV, he will watch something he’s not even interested in so that I can’t. Such is the “love” of a narc. They have to be in control no matter what it is. He tells me every word to say when I’m on the phone. Does all the talking for me when I go to the doctor’s office. In fact, some doctors have asked him not to come in until they have talked to me first.

He lies about everything although he denies it. I smoke a Swisher Sweet about every 4-6 months. He asked me not to anymore and I said “I’m done.” I meant at that time. We were at a Chinese restaurant and my grandson wanted change for the vending machine. I was in the bathroom and my narc started rummaging in my purse and found a cigar and a lighter.

He began screaming at me and calling me a liar and said relationships won’t survive if one is a liar. Later I noticed the cigar and lighter were gone but I said nothing. Later he said to me that my grandson threw something in the fish pond that looked like a candy wrapper and he left it. Now who’s the liar? And the lighter was gone also. It’s all about what the narc wants. Why do we subsist on the narcs crumbs that he or she calls love? Im trying to figure that out. Love and light.

Narcissistic supply is the narcs drug. A pain pill if you will. Bad or good, what matters is that the supply brings adulation that is reliable and constant. Without the supply source who proides the attention, love, and approval, and will do what the narc says, all is well.

Without the supply the narc dries up. His or her ego depends on them. They cannot be alone. A narc will perceive to be independent but without a supply, he or she is incomplete. One narc relationship I was in when his supply before me left he was so devastated according to him that he didn’t date for seven years. Now I don’t know if I believe that because he is a sex addict. So I doubted it.

Any sign of independence from the source enrages them. I had to text him multiple times daily from work to check in. I had poor health yet he sat home while I worked. The fiancee who left him made up ridiculous lies to bolster her ego that everyone knew were fabrications and laughed at her behind her back. He found them innocent and entertaining. What it did was make him look stupid for being with a pathological liar.

She said she rode on the back of a rock stars motorcycle up and down the hall in a Vegas hotel and picked 728 tomatoes off of one vine. Just to name a few. Eventually he or she becomes bored. Thats a word I heard a lot. “I was boring, life was boring, the game was boring”. Then comes the devalue phase. This is where the narc kills the supply dead without remorse. After an intimate relationship the narc dismisses the supply as he or she has decided this supply has reached an end. So the supply is tossed like garbage.

He or she then moves to a new supply. The narc becomes bored again and the cycle restarts. There is a primary source and a secondary source. There are two cycles narcs go through. The first is euphoria and the second is depression which creates anxiety. When my narc was in this phase he would rage. He would threaten to dump me and get someone new. He then would turn to his gambling addiction and lose money we didn’t have. He defended this by saying that was the only time he had fun and wasn’t bored. Leaving me to stress about how to make it up.

This was his way of destroying my life. But it was all about him and his fun. Narcs have addictions to escape him or herself because they are immature and have to be constantly the center of attention. They are not mature enough to love, tell the truth, or be loyal.

The narc’s inner self is damaged. Wounds that haven’t healed. He or she is starving spiritually. To them, people are objects to be controlled and manipulated like toys. It’s always someone elses fault. Love and light.

Rage from a narc can be sudden anger or hurtful sarcasm. What is different about this rage is that from normal anger, it is cutting and usually because the narcs needs or wants aren’t being met. Causes can include when the narc doesnt get his or her way or isn’t the center of attention. The narc suffers an egotistical blow.

Narcs are like children who when they don’t get his or her way, throw a tantrum. This causes strained family relationships, divorce, isolation, abandonment, legal issues, and fear of being alone. When he or she doesn’t get their way in feelings of entitlements, not recognizing others feelings and being told about it, or criticism of any kind, it can and most likely will result in a rage.

The rage is a defense mechanism and can appear unprovoked. The victim is attacked verbally and sometimes physically. Shameful feelings such as stress, anxiety, and frustration can all lead to rages. It can grow from mild to violent in a heartbeat. The rage is always a result of narcissistic injury.

For anyone living with a narc you need to know the rages are NOT your fault. People in the narc’s life are usually hypervigilant which causes anxiety. The slightest slip can start a rage. Repeat to yourself “Not my fault nor my responsibility.” The narc has the inability to rationally handle certain situations which result in explosive rages. Narcs get cruel during arguments.

The narc knows your buttons and triggers and how to make you feel small. “Selfish” is a word he or she uses often and will project onto you. Narcs are wired differently to be abusive and include name calling, slurs, and walking out to cheat. Dont argue back or expect apologies. Put yourself first by remembering it’s not your problem, it’s theirs.

The rages include humiliation, insults, and control and manipulation. Mood swings from romantic to raging in minutes, nitpicking, keeping you from family, blaming you for everything, screaming over nothing. They will tell you how inadequate you are compared to exes (they were thinner, sexier, prettier, etc.)

I came across a parable the other day:

Taking a walk in the country the other day, a man came across a farmhouse with a big porch. An old man was sitting in a rocking chair and his hound dog at his feet. The porch faced the sun and the hound was thumping his tail to the beat of the rocking chair.

But every now and then, the dog let out a yelp of pain. The man walked closer to the porch and said “Hey, what’s wrong with your dog?” The old man said ” Nothing, he seems OK.” Just then the dog let out another yelp. ” Why does he yelp and cry like that?” The man asked. The old man scratched his head and explained. “Well, he likes to lay in the sun there but there’s a nail that sticks up through the floor that pokes him. Puzzled the man asked “Then why doesn’t he lay somewhere else?” The man thought a minute and said “I guess it doesn’t hurt enough yet.”_______Unknown

Love and light

The discard can begin as soon as the love bombing begins. If you, the supply, discards first, the narc may stalk or harass you. But be assured that he or she already have back-up supplies waiting in the wings. He or she was grooming these supplies before you left because he or she can’t be alone. However, they are pissed because you beat them to the punch.

He or she may have been blindsided by your leaving. A normal partner may be hurt by a breakup if sudden and he or she didn’t want it. But they will understand if you are unhappy. A narc, however, will fly into a rage and see it as abandonment. If the supply leaves, it takes power away from the narc. How dare you leave when the narc sees you as his or her property?

You have the right to live your life free from abuse but the narc loses their power over you. Even though they have back-up supplies to suck dry, you were his or her main source and that enrages the narc. They may threaten, stalk, or love bomb you. Abuse is about power and control. The narc may stalk you on social media or open new gmail accounts to threaten you. It is wise to change your telephone number also.

When he or she discards you, it doesn’t mean forever. Supplies are interchangeable for a narcissist. They need supplies for what each does for him or her. When a narc has used up a main supply, he or she may recycle an old one or find a new one. He or she imagines that they are in love with you but they don’t know how to love. They only love how you make them feel.

They want everyone to see you as the perfect couple. Once things are less than perfect, they leave you suddenly for a new supply that they have been grooming all along. It’s always your fault because the narc can’t take blame.

From the beginning it’s a tragic love story that is doomed. His or her history is full of relationships and engagements that are usually based on looks, money, or sex. When the discard happens you have to decide if the abuse and misery the narc puts you through is worth taking him or her back,

“Bored” is a word one hears often from a narc. “I’m bored. You’re boring, I had more fun with my ex!” The growing indifference to you. The insults, rages, less attention, his or her wanting time away from you all have you confused and feeling on the brink of insanity. What did you do? You went from love bombing to devaluation, to discard like a worn out toy.

In being with a narc, never focus on words but rather on actions. Remember that narcissists seldom tell the truth. His or her reality is based on lies. They will accuse you of things that they are doing to you. He or she will rage at you, leave you, then call or message you as if nothing happened.

Don’t EVER expect closure from a narc. If you ask uncomfortable questions you get the silent treatment. Narcs aren’t “lost souls .” Everything that he or she does is deliberate. Do not try to keep in touch with the narcissist. If he or she contacts you, it is up to you as to whether or not you want to get tangled up in that web again in a relationship of control, manipulation, lies, abuse, rages, and insanity. Love and light.